hurt

I wish God would give me the strength to be strong to get over this fight:( Robert leaving me after 4 years has been one of the worst things I have dealt with... someone ive loved for 4 years just up and leaving... god give me strength to know that its for the better possibly... my poor boys have no idea why daddy isnt coming home.. I really honestly dont myself... and poor kemper asks me where is daddy, when is daddy coming home and for tryin to tell him its the worse thing ever... I have no idea how to tell him, i just have been teling him hes at work but eventually he will catch on that daddy isnt coming home... I dont know what I did to deserve this... I know i didnt do anything wrong but it still doesnt help with the pain I feel:( anyhow thats about it... im tore, hurt, lonely, unsure of where life is going to bring me:(

NOT ME MONDAY!!!!

It was not my child that learned a dance to swing around his hips while holding onto his pee pee , and he does this anywhere...

It was not my child that learned to say "pull my finger, I gotta fart" and says it to anyone he sees, strangers or not:( why me lol

It was not my child (my youngest) that wants more then anything to pee in his new urinal but would rather put his pee pee in there and push the flush button instead and let it run on his pee pee instead and giggle...

It was not my child that I lied to (just a little) and told him mommy had to go to the Doctors ( ER) when I was really takin him and when doctor came in and asked what was wrong he said mommy butt hurts.. ouch... I cant let him know anything lol I swear I turned redder then a cherry when the doctor looked to me and said oh really lol... gosh

It was not my child in a mall full of tons of people all with open ears to hear my oldest son say while we walked past victoria secrects, look mom boobies... oh gosh, why me lol

It was not my child in a public restroom to say mommy I can wipe your butt for you, Your always so nice and do mine... Yikes, and I hear giggles from about the bathroom lol

My heart aches

I have a pretty good friend, well at least I feel like shes a good friend, weve been friends for years, we only see each other once in a great while, but we always know we are there for each other, shes such a great friend, I was and am dissapointed I wasnt a better friend to know what she was going thru ahead of time... where was I? how did I not know? I usually stay up with her life on facebook or myspace, but now I have finally got her blog as well...

anyhow this good friend of mine is going thru a very rough time that i would never dream upon happening to me or anyone I love or whatever... I love this girl and I feel extremely bad, when she told me basically before she told anyone else that she was preggo, I was so excited, I couldnt and cant wait to meet little "turkey" as she calls the baby... then it was time to find out what she was having and I was even more excited to find out what I was going to be an aunt too... a girl, a beautiful little girl, an Angel... I even considered some names for her, esp being named after her auntie that loves her dear... But that didnt fly lol...

Yesterday came the devastating news to me that baby didnt make it... and my friend will sadly have to go thru labor just to have her baby that will be born not alive... this saddens me, this hurts so bad... its not even me and I can feel the pain... I wish there was something I could do to change this, but there isnt, Im not god, I cant bring her back to life... I cant tell her its okay because shes not gonna be okay, its gonna be hard, its gonna hurt... I never thought I would have to watch any family or friend or anyone go thru this... I am very excited to meet little Emma Angel... shes going to be so beautiful... I get to go up and see her and possibly hold her after she gives birth to her before they take her and get her ready for her funeral...

Please keep my friend in your thoughts and prayers... this is a very tragic time for her... first baby... she was so happy and still is dont get me wrong... this is still her baby girl and always will be... there is more times to come when she will have more babies... but nothing will ever fill this void this hurt... I just wish that I could take her pain away... I just wish this wasnt my friend it was happening too, or anyone at that... but I cant wait to meet little Emma Angel... what a blessing my friend is letting me meet her...


on another note, the boys are good, gettin ready for kempers birthday party... gonna be a good time, tons of food and cake and ice cream:)

I want another baby but robert isnt having it, i really want one really bad but oh well what do you do, gotta be on the same note with your partener lol and its a no go for him... anyhow thats it for now, my heart is just really hurt:(

Please pray

Potty trained?

So megs, remi is gettin to the point where he likes to snuggle with stuffed animals, he doesnt have a favorite yet, Hmm auntie megs gonna get him one like kempy? lol... I love ya girl...

So everything is going great, remi was really fussy the last few nights for me to see yesterday that low and behold one of his ears are infected already, what the heck, so I called doc immediatly and they sent me over a new ear drop, I hope this takes care of it, I mean he just got new tubes why are they infected already, ugh... stress...

anywho remi is gettin himself a little pet... I cant wait to get it for him, but its gonna be awhile still lol... but I will show you all when he gets it... hes def excited...

Kemper is gettin ready for school... already has his physical, and then he has his dental next month and we will get the letter in augs if he gets in or not, if not next year for sure:)

OMG guess what? Remi peed on the toilet the other day, no joke, He came in there pulling at his diaper and pointing at toilet, (he sees kemper go all the time) so I took his diaper off and sat him up there, sure enough he peed, took him a min but he peed, thats a start, now i gotta go get him that cute frog toilet from walmart, so i can set it in the livingroom and he can go all the time... im excited, Kemper was so easy, i must be blessed... looks like remi will be too:)

I have a few prayer request, a man Robert worked with is very sick, he moved to hawaii about a year ago, got bite by a spider in 3 dif spots they cut them open to release them now he has mrsa, and its not in his blood stream thank god but if it does they give him 2 days to live, please pray it makes its way out before it gets that far... His daughter had her baby 2 or 3 days after remi was born :) so cute

my good friend and I oh and her sister:) took the boys to grand haven to the Imagination station... we had so much fun, here is a few pictures it was so much fun:)

Please pray for remi to feel better soon...

hmm I had a few more where they went I have no idea I cant remember:( But as soon as they come too I will post, IM off to pray now and go to bed...

Kemp Cellulitis

Well lets see... Wednesday afternoon a good friend of mine and I found this weird swollen inside part of the ankle on Kemp (my oldest) around 3 ish or 330 ish, it was very very red, hot to the touch and very swollen... I washed it really well thinking he got into something, didnt see anything and it felt very very hard, in that area... So I called the doctor they told me to give him benedryl to see if it went down and what not, they called me at about quarter to 5 to check on him still the same they told me to take him to ER... So I did so... when I got into there the doctor was very rude to me, Im thinking his peds sent me in here, why are you being rude to me... they figure because its not that big of an emergency, well so he said it wasnt, the heck it wasnt thank god I called his doc in the morning and got him in... the ER gave us an antibotic which we started that night... i got him into his peds in the morning, oh wait, let me tell you what they said at the ER they said it was cellulitis (sp?) which it was and is... so I take him to Peds where it had spread up his leg... Kemp in very much pain... the ER told me to put Ice on it, umm wrong you put heat on it, 3-4 times a day, it needed to be cleaned out with soap and water alot all day and night long, it needed to be elevated, and marked with pen to see how far it spread... oh and that he shouldnt wear shoes or socks ect... lovely that the ER didnt tell me any of this, they acted like it was nothing... thank god for his peds... so they sent us home after markin up his leg, said to keep up with his meds, and give him IBU for pain... which wasnt cutting it but we dealt with it... and he did a good job, such a trooper... so today they called to check on us and its doing great, it all went down, doc said it might flare up one more time but then will be done, but so far it hasnt so we might be good, oh and they say it looks like a spider bite that infected under the skin, ouch and lovely and where did he get bite, our neighbor is a bug guy lol if you know what i mean, and he sprays our house for everything, i never see bugs here lol or at least in my house or near it lol... so I have no idea, but all in all he is okay and safe,


Remi is doing great with his tubes, can hear so much better, which is a good sign he didnt lose hearing, but if he did I dont know how much... he still loves loud noises though lol...

anywho im off to bed, im not feeling well

thanks for reading, if you read this please comment, and pass on my story please

Updates and more updates remi surgery

Remis first birthday cake

few days after remi came home from DeVos NICU hes already over a month old in this pic, but cant tell, he was so small

My oldest Kemper

Me (momma) , Remi, Kemper, and auntie jill

Remi now days being silly

Sorry everyone its been awhile... Been very busy..

Remis surgery on monday went well, better then I had expected, His surgery if you dont know was for his replacement of tubes and adnoids... this tubes were not working properly so they needed to be removed and new ones replaced... come to find out his adnoids were very small and were not causing any problems at all for him... so they didnt have to remove those, although he could use to have his tonsils out but he is way to young for that... well if they get bad enough they will take them out, they are tryin to clear his airway as much as possible to help his lungs get the full extent of working they should have, and right now they arent which is causing a hard time for them to finish and correctly develope... so needless to say only his tubes were done monday, but they had a hard time gettin his old tubes out so they did send home with some pain meds in which I dont use, he doesnt appear to be in any pain, only at night time in which I give him tylenol for... hes doing great...

Yesterday I worked all day long very hard cleaning out the play room for them, somehow there father thinks its his junk room and shoves all his junk in there, making it hard for them to play in... the boys uncle ricky is a painter and is gonna come paint the room for remi, two walls will be fire engine red and the other two walls will be the chalk board stuff so he can draw on them when older and erase them:) I think he will really like this, I am also looking for a race car toddler bed for him, so we can get him out of his crib, he is still young but this transition wont be done for awhile so by the time we do it he will be ready:)

Kemper will be starting school next year I hope... hes at least on the waiting list and hopefully will get a place, hes bday is in july so he should have a good chance... I am excited, hes already so smart but I know him being in school will help him... hes been very naughty lately, acting out im assuming but why i have no idea, he gets alot of attention and is included in everything so I am not sure whats going on, he is now starting to be more distant what I mean by that is he will now go places away from me for more then a min, before he wouldnt not let me leave his side, he will now go with his aunt or with my mom or grandpa for a few hours... he wants to come back home before bed which is fine but I hope he starts gettin to the point where he can stay away too, this mommy needs a break... yikes...

its summer, yay... I cant wait for beaches, bike rides, walks, parks its going to be such a great summer with my boys:) I just cant wait, the hubby is home everynight and only off on sundays but I just know we will have alot of time as a family and be able to enjoy this summer:) we have tons of cookouts at my moms, so its gonna be great:)

Ive lost alot of weight, I went from a size 20 to a size 14 in about a month, so im doing pretty good id say... I want to lose more and will once i start riding my bike this summer:) cant wait...

anywho just wanted to update you all on remis surgery... pics above hope you enjoyed, they were suppost to be at the end but im not to good at this yet:(

sosososso tired, Will update more tomorrow I promise, sorry its been so long megs:( your the only one that reads this I think:) Help me get more

Van? Readers? anyone out there?

So, its been awhile again, I am really sorry:( Remi actually has been pretty sick, First it started with Kemp having fever on friday and then remi decided to have on saturday night and still has it and its monday night... But with remi having surgery on June 8th he can not have IBU so tylenol it is, and its not working:( so last night needless ot say little Roo slept with me... and he slept better then what he does alone, and I slept to thank god.. Ive been so tired... But I got up early and got on the phone and got him and kemper into the doctor asap in the morning:) Kemper just has a sinus cold... better then having more than that.. but hes still miserable, and Remi of course has an ear infection surprise suprise :( NOT!!! but in his left ear, it was his right ear, his throat is very irritated and he has a little bit of a rash down in his diaper area which could be caused from his high temps... so tomorrow I will be calling the ENT to make sure that he will be replacing both tubes seeing as now the left one wants to become infected as well:( Its horrible watching him be in so much pain, Last night and this morning he didnt get off the couch, he just stared in a daze at the room:( or slept, hes been sleeping alot off and on, not enough to get me rest though:(

So did I tell you I got a new Van? How many of you read my blog? I wish more of people did:( if you do please comment me and let me know, I feel like I talk to myself, I am thinking of gettin rid of this:(

Anyways I got a new van, its green:) pretty:) 97 dodge grand caravan:) good shape, runs great, and only for five hundred, yes you heard it 500 bucks hehe:) i love it, the boys love it, it runs, it gives us room, its awesome...

Today I went to pick up the boys from my sisters, and my nephew was like burning up, i mean to touch him literly like burned my hands he was so warm, so i took his temp for my sister while she called the docs, it was 104 and that wasnt in the bum, that was under his arm, she took him in right away because he was breathign funny and stuff, and he has the start of phneomia, and ear infections, poor little man, he rarely gets sick... so please pray for him too

Okay Im very tireds like falling asleep doing this:( night

Allergies and goose egg haven

Wow what a long few days, sorry everyone... Everyone is doing alright except for allergies... yucky, and mommy hasnt been feeling very well with allergies, and my belly is sour the last few days.. But other than that life is awesome, my father and I are going to look at the van I purchased to be sure that our children will be alright in it...

I read yesterday that a dear little girl Ive been following on here passed away, God bless her soul, what a perfect little angel to watch over us... her journey was long, shes a figher, an inspiration to all... Ive very upset to see her not make it though, miracles were her thing, god kept blessing them with miracles, she got to spend mothers day with her mom, and the day after she passed, I feel god kept her here so her mom could spend mothers day with her... shes so beautiful...

Lets see, Kemper is gettin ready for preschool, I am pretty excited, that is if i can get all of his stuff in by the cut off time... and if we qualify for it... hes doing so well with things, learning new stuff everyday and he is full potty trained and has been for awhile now... He is wild the other day he was in the living room with his brothers blanket over his head, spinning in circles, I told him he better had stop or he will hurt himself, he just giggled and put the blanket back over his head again and started up again... next thing I hear is screaming... Yep sure enough he fell into the computer chair and ended up with a black eye and a huge goose egg on his head, so lovely, and this year he wanted his fohawk back so his auntie came and gave him his hair cut and he has it back:)

Remi hasnt been feeling very well, allergies, his ears, his chest and lungs im sure are hurting him... hes been very irriatable and hard to please lately... poor little thing... but soon enough after surgery he should feel like a totally new little man... i hope at least... they claim this surgery will help his lungs, god hope it does... last week after we went to the zoo, remi was playin around and was running feel right into a table head first, got himself a perfect size goose egg that turned black and blue now its yellow lol, and just an hour later, kemper ran to the toilet but couldnt make it to the toilet and remi went down there all of a sudden I hear wham.. remi slipped in kempers pee ewwww... and smacked his head on the tile floor, ugh... I tell you what, I cant move fast enough these days, I was headed down there when it happend, I tell you its gettin nice out, the kids get wild lol...

Robert and I are doing well, Robert is back to working, he loves his new job, and he just got his new truck and stuff yesterday so he should be ready to rock an roll this next week I am pretty stoked about that...

My grams is feeling better after surgery she is starting to come around more now... Please keep her in your prayers she is having a hard time coming out of this mess of surgerys shes had in the last two months... shes so strong... she never gives up and will talk everyone into not giving up, shes such a great person... well I know its wednesday and I wrote, but Ill have a wordless wednesday posted after this..

My good friend megs is tryin to help me learn the swing of things:)

hugs KIM

Ouchies:(

Ive had a very long day... Lets see, started about 5:00 am when my fiances alarm went off and he fails to get out of bed so I am wide awake to try and get him up.. gotta love em lol... Then I did finally fall back to sleep at like possibly 6:20 and had to be back up at 7:00am to get the boys and I ready for the zoo trip... it was so much fun, rained like crazy here in muskegon but then got better as we headed to Grand Rapids, it was not sunny but not raining, it was chilly but not freezing... remi was dressed warm enough, I had kemper in shorts, they said it was suppost to be warm.. but he didnt say a word about being cold and I didnt bring it up for I had no clothes to put him in... but we did have alot of fun, not all the animals were out yet, but we did see enough:) hehe, cant wait to go again this summer sometime...

So we get home from this trip and i get home and Kemp and Remi are playing, as I look up I see like in slow mode well so I see it in my head, Remi running and fell right into a table... I swear i seen his head hit, fly back, and then fall back down, and when he lifted it to cry I seen the instant bump and bruise, Obvisouly at this time I am already up and running for my poor little roo... get him picked up where he only cried for a matter of a min, I was worried, I would have cried forever if it were me, but he didnt... so I grabbed a uncrustable (frozen pb&j) from the freezer put it on his head and he hated that, but I was able to hold there for more then a few mins... then he wanted down, he sat down, sat there for a min looking around, then he crawled around for awhile, then he finally got up and walked and he was a little stubbly I was freaking out, watching his eyes, making sure he was breathing okay I was going nuts.. but he was okay, and then Kemp didnt make it to he toilet on time so he pee'd on the bathroom floor well remi decided he was gonna go down there (mind you before i knew kemp peed on the floor) and I hear wham whack, he fell on the slippy pee floor, hit the back of his head now on the nice tile floor, nice huh, but he is okay, i kept him awake for like 6 hours and now he is in bed sleeping peacefully and I will check on him everytime I wake up, gosh if I even do wake up, I am exhausted, but all in all we had a good day minus the ouchies:(

Tomorrow I will be back up early taking care of Carlee Jane.. my 3 week old niece for the whole day then possibly my nephew tomorrow night, I am going to be busy:( but hey at least im gettin my sleep which I better close this now so I can close my eyes:) thanks for reading... Ill get pics of the goose egg tomorrow:(

Remi surgery again:(

Remingtons appointment with the ENT was today... we got his pressure test done and sure enough remingtons right ear tube is not working properly and he will need surgery to replace it, well possibly both of them... Little roo (remington) has had drops for two weeks then I stopped them via request of doctor and he did pretty good til last night his ears started to bug him again, I was happy to get into the doctor this am with him... Doc is also going to take out his adnoids considering he is having trouble breathing as well.. Poor little roo.. but he will feel so much better, I am a little sad that he has to have surgery again, and its going to be more then just placing tubes so I am a little uneasy and scared:( but I know its for the best, and basically it has to be done... they are talking about his tonsils as well but Doc and I decided that those can wait til he is older... hes only had strep once (yes hes just turned one) but better the having it more then once... so we shall see where it brings us with the surgery he gets now... such a sweet baby boy... so other than that we have had a good day... hes gettin so big and so smart, and he scares mommy when he feels the need to stand on top of things lol... so im constantly sayin remi sit down lol...

Kemper has been extremely loud the last few days, ouch, I have no idea what his deal is lol, but his uncle ricky has been coming around more often and he is very loud lol, always being silly with the kids so i think he gets it from him, I know Im sick of the yelling, but hey hes a kid, Im alright:) mommy cant be uptight about it, as long as he is happy I am happy:)

My boys are my world, I would do anything for them... anything... anything, anything...:)

Please pray for my friend pamela, she has surgery on her knee tomorrow, Bless her... I cant make it having no car at the moment...

Robert started work today, he seemed to like it, worked a full 12 hours plus... hes tired, and has to be back out there tomorrow morning at 6, he will get used to it.. I know he will be alright... Im off to bed, thanks for letting me rant:)

Life and updates

Remingtons appointment went great on friday... they said that his breathing sounded good and that he doesnt need his treatments of pulmicort or the oral steriod anymore, but he can have his albuterol if he needs it or sounds a little wheezy again... Thank god for remington... He was really stuggling with his breathing, really got me worried.. We have had a fun weekend I suppose lol, Friday we had a full house of 11 people including the kids we had a huge pot of golosh that I made for all of us and we played Wii fit... it was so much fun... Ill post pictures here in a min lol... or at the end of this blog I should say...

Saturday I got up early and hit the some yard sales, found a little but not enough lol... came home to get the sweet boys ready for going to see my grandmother up at the hospital, bless her soul, she is having a hard time coming out of this surgery:( I wish there was something that I could do to take her pain away... Poor grams... after this we came home, and sat around and cleaned the rest of the night as a family... I was in bed by 10 pm, can you believe it lol... the boys go to bed at 9 pm so they were already in bed sleeping like babies... oh wait they are my babies lol...

Today (sunday) We are suppost to have friends over, that havent arrived yet, and we are not sure if they will arrive so I am a little uneasy... I get tired of people making plans then breaking them its not far to us... or my family, they were suppost to come over last night for dinner, todl them id wait for there call just so they could call and tell me they had already ate:( how nice... really not at all...

Robert thankfully has a job now, he starts tuesday and I can wait to get a new vehicle so I can work too... I am a little uneasy still about lettin someone watch remi but its a lady ive known a long time and trust with my life so I know I can trust her... so i cant wait for that all to happen... Our motor went out in our car, so to have a new one not to have to worry about all the time woud be awesome for me...

Our animals are doing well as well... NIENIE the dog is getting old, shes having more seizures which worry me but they say she is fine, i got her at 2 weeks of age had to bottle feed her and her lungs just havent pregressed into being fully developed so lack of oxygen causes her seizures... but shes cute as ever still... Emerson is our older cant but not over a year yet... I believe at the end of the year he will be... and crush is our orange kitten we just got, he is about 6 weeks id say, he was born March 12th... so I guess lol... hes good... gettin bigger and eating better that is for sure... anyways off to get those pictures to post on here, Ill fill you in with more later:)

First picture is Roberts brother ricky:) Uncle ricky and Kemper hula hooping lol

second picture is Ricky hula hooping alone just gettin into it

third picture is Mommy (me) Remington, kemper and auntie Jill (jill is my best friend)

fourth picture is Remi just so cute

fifth picture is Kemper holding baby carlee (carlee is one of my friends babies)

Please pray

I feel like posting, so you'll see one now and probably later... I think thats okay isnt it... Today is a little rough, Please pray for baby kayleigh and her family... they got bad news last night and is very sad I just hope that god will guide them thru this hard time ... Hoping for a miracle which I dont doubt god works in unknown ways... such a sweet little girl and family... her family is so strong..

The last few days have been kinda depressing for me, possibly weather, or could it be the reasoning for my aunt and my step dad that died a month apart to the day just a 5 years ago... My aunt passed away on March 29 5 years ago and my step dad april 29th 5 years ago... wow, seems like just yesterday and it doesnt seem to get any easier... could be cause the fact that my grandma is in the hospital this morning have surgery to remove cancer they found on a pollup in her rump... and today and lately ive been thinking about NICU... flash backs... the times we almost lost remi... Im afraid to let him out of my site... not sure if this is a natural feeling, or what... sometimes I miss the NICU.. possibly because we lived it for so long? or because of the people there? or is something not right? the other night on the 5 year of my step dad it I had a dream of being at a funeral... wasnt to sure if it was his or not, never really in my dream was it clear whos funeral it was... it was sad... I remember cryin at it... I remember having one of my boys, I cant remember which one but one of them I was carrying around the place... I know it was family for I was asked to sit up front but asked for the back due to having the child with me... things just dont seem to be going right... maybe I am a little depressed... but I dont feel like it...

Remi has a doctors appointment today, I will let you know how that goes, and I am hoping to make it up to see my grandmother after... God help her thru this all... its very heart wrenching.. she was just in the hospital not to long ago for congestive heart failure, she has already had open heart surgery they went in and put stints in, if they were unable to get those in she would have died... but they got them in, then they found the blood in stool and found the cancer in them bum... I only say it that way because to me (maybe beause i have children) it sounds better lol... anyways thats it, Im off to shower and get my boys ready for doctors... thanks for listening...

Well yesterday wasnt as fun as I expected... when things go wrong they go wrong... First our car, then our friends car we were borrowing, and now we have nothing til the fiance can find a job... yes I can find a job, but with not having a vehicle its kinda hard and easier for him for he is a truck driver that doesnt usually require using a car everyday, and I care of our children whether he is home or not, I do everything... Times are rough right now but when arent they, im kinda relieved all at once that we have no way to get anywhere with that swine sickness going around, if i dont go out, we wont get it... right? yikes its scary...

On another note we are all doing well... Remington seems to be okay with his meds now... still got the poos, but Ive been just tryin to keep his electrolites up, he goes in on friday and I will have them check his sugar at this point, he doesnt seem to be going down but he has been awefully tired and not his spunky self so much... he hates his breathing treatments which is making it hard to give him every 4 hours and big treatments twice a day, i try to do it all when he is sleeping easier that way... I love my boys more then anything... Remington likes to fall asleep in my bed with me at night, no, we dont cuddle and I dont hold him, he is on his side im on mine, he just likes to lay in there and go to sleep... yes, he will go to sleep in his own bed, momma just likes to lay with her little roo at points... hes such a good boy...

Kemper been asking lately to go to bed, that amazes me because he never would, he would go all day long without a nap if i let him... must be his age, he knows he needs it or something, but momma likes naps too so that helps me... the kids have been sleeping perfect, its the cat and kitten that have been fighting all night, our cat wants to eat the kitten, I dont know why, or what is going on, but I am losing sleep over cats lol... Help me... lately little crush our orange kitten has been sleeping with us to try an avoid emerson our big gray cat from eating him, or at least going after him... such silly cats lol...

me? myself Ive been exhausted... very... cant see to catch up, I have so much to do, and so little time to do it... remis room is going to be worked on this weekend:) its going to be Fire engine red... with one wall being the back of a fire engine and the other wall is going to be the front of a fire engine... it might be hard but we will find help in gettin these drawn up and painted on the walls...

sorry I dont seperate my paragraphs sometimes, I hardly have enough time to write so I just try to do it fast and long lol...

My friend will be having her baby here soon... I get to finally witness a natural birth... I have yet to witness or see one so its about time... I missed my friend Marlas by like a minute i was bummed and actually almost made me cry:( I just want to see it and pref a friend not a stranger... I mean its not that im watching down there im watchin life down there, so yeah... anyway tabs is gettin ready to have hers, and I better not miss it lol, but when my children call I have no choice... my boys are more important...

remi goes in for his check up tomorrow and then next tuesday. friday we will see how his breathing and lungs are doing and tuesday we will find out if he needs surgery again and if so when and how serious will it be... fill you in later

Also I need to thank my friend Jill for always being here for us, shes been a big help and is very good at what remingtons needs are, its nice to be able to leave him with someone and not worry if someone will know what to do if he crashes with his sugar problems, or breathing problems, shes such a great friend and I love her for that and all she does:) she doesnt have any kids and still takes alot of her time to hang out here with me and my kids...

Sorry before I go I have to vent... Why in the world are mothers killing there children? I watch HLN with nancy grace everynight, and once again a mother killed her 18 month old... I just cant believe my eyes, and they basically are lettin these mothers get away with it... Kill them... they killed there children, kill them, better yet, make them sit in prison til they die.. make them suffer... its nuts to have an other option... when I became pregnant with kemper, my party days stopped, these kids are my responsibilty and I will not push them on a sitter every weekend or every day so I can go out and party, I know so mothers that do and they shouldnt have had kids if they dont want to settle down and be a mother... just makes me sick these girls are gettin away with it:(

Today

Today was a good day other then Remi with is oral steriods is having some poos which are causing horrible butt rash but we are tryin to keep that at bay... they says Bananas with pepsi, but that hasnt helped him at all... He still seems a little shaky at his breathing a little raspy should I say... bascially a tin can with rocks in it to be exact... but it doesnt sound near as bad as it did, i try to give him his breathing treatment while he is sleeping, easier that way... otherwise he is all over the place and hates it, and its about a 20 min process so no fun at all... poor little booger, I hope they will give me a mask that goes around his head so at night i dont have to hold the thing for a half hour, even though that is fine with me too i dont mind its for his health so thats all that matters... My friend Jill who you will hear alot about shes always around and takes remi alot and kemper of course, she took Remi and out to lunch, Kemper decided he wanted to stay home with daddy... it was nice but remi isnt eating as well today which really scares me because his sugar can drop to a low very fast... so for now he gets breathin treatments every 4 hours and oral steriod twice a day... he goes back on the 5th to his ENT to see if the right tube in his ear is now open and funtioning properly, God hope because if not he will have surgery again... and i hate when they put him out, its horrible when he comes out of it:( it was bad the first time, this time around they will take out his adnoids (sp) and fix that tube and when he is old enough he will take out his tonsils, the ent said that lots of children need this one, especially premature children for they dont grow in properly or grow to big from the steriods they put them on after birth to help them grow.. all in all hes a fighter...

Kemper is such a big boy, he counted from one to 10 and i showed him on his fingers as well... hes gettin so smart and if you say go get me this color he will:) Im so proud of him, he will be three in July but I am very scared to send him to school with his milk allergy, what if they dont watch it close enough? what if they dont catch him in time? scary thought... and as far as Im concerned schools are horrible now days:( just not like they used to be... and I really dont want to send him to the school around here... Ill drive the 30 mins to get him to a good school if I have too...

Robert and I are doing good, I just wish he would do more, but I love him and I guess as long as we get along and we are happy those little things can be looked over... He just doesnt understand the stress im under all the time, I cook, clean, take care of the kids, I do everything while he sits on his life line the computer... cant wait for warmer weather i can normally get him outside for bike rides, walks, bonfires, ect....

anyways off to give remi his breathing treatment before bed..

I am sure I will have more readers, wonders, ect... ask me any questions you will like, as I go on youll learn more about remi and his conditions as of now I am new at this and trying to figure it out myself... so hang in there, and also please give me any advice, I want to make my page as cute as others:)

Updates of the two boys

Ive been following this site for some time now... im sad to say that I didnt start when I was preggo with my first son... but here is our story... I was told way back when that I would not be able to children, this struck hard for I love kids... But I met my prince charming and we ended up pregnant with our first son Kemper... such a long pregnancy everything seemed to be going well, then in the end I am told I need a c section for Kemper didnt want to come down where he belonged... What a miracle all of this was, I was very scared but knew that god has a plan for him and us, he came out just a cryin at 8 lbs even such a beautiful little boy... hes grown into such a handsome young man, he was born on July 5, 2006 at 10:45 am... as time went by and the monday after kempers first birthday party I found out I was preggo again.. at this time I as a little shocked, but happy... I was hoping this better be a girl,this is my last lol... I had many doctor appointments, I am considered high risk for I have endometriosis and a rare female cancer that is starting to become more active... as time went on, and I was about half way thru, we found out it was a boy.. I was so happy we picked out his name which is Remington lee, Remington because we have alot of hunters and fishers in our family and Lee after my step dad that passed away will be 5 years here on the 29th of april... and well we wanted something unique like Kempers and kinda wanted it to start with a R because kemper is with kim and R for robert:) so robert picked remington.. at this time of ultrasound we found out that remington wasnt growing properly... we had many ultrasounds, my blood pressure raised, I got put on bed rest... 6 and half weeks early this is it:) REMINGTON LEE HILTON BORN MARCH 11,2008 AT 4:28 PM 5 LBS 9 OZ. AND 18.5 INCHES LONG.... I went into hackley on monday for a stress test.... Remingtons heart rate was kinda messed up so they sent me down for ultrasound, where they found he hadnt been growing much and my fluid inside was low... so doctor said he has to come out... so tuesday I was squeezed into the busy surgery day and had surgery at 4... well he came out and the doctor realized his cord had three huge knots, pretty tight... and it was around his neck... so thank god we took him out, this is miracle one, but he came out strong and happy... I was in recovery the brought him in for him to feed off me and he ate pretty good, they took him back to the nursery as I lay flat for the next hour... Robert comes in just bawling, I didnt know what was going on, he just hugged me, he was speechless, as I lay here lifeless and numb I didnt know what was going on... finally the news came, Remington almost died again... his sugar hit a 3... 3 points lower and he would have been dead, a nurse caught it quick enough and brought him back with sugar solution and all... if it werent for this nurse remington would be dead...that was miracle two.... and this is all no joke... he survived two big scares... so since then they have been monitoring his sugar... at hackley it kept going up and down and up and down, finally we demanded answers after telling us they didnt know, and Devos was called and said to get him there asap, devos came and got him, since then they have put a IV down his belly button and he is on a constant feed and constact sugar solution in his IV... hes doing great, his sugar has been staying in one area and not droppin really low, thank god... I thank god everyday... this is truly a miracle child... he has fought and fought to live, he is very stable, all his organs are great, his heart, and all, its just this sugar we have to get straight, it could take days, weeks, months.. we dont know, but alls we know is hes gonna make it and he needs prayers... he isnt on anything but an IV drip and feeding tube only because of the sugar, we might be able to start feeding him soon I hope... Since remington has been born, sadly but surely ive only held him maybe a half hour at max... I never imagined having to go thru this, and I cry every single day.... and I thank god for everything and pray to him everyday... without the support from our family and friends I think I would have already crawled into a hole and just died... I am so drained, in every way possible... I cant hardly stand myself, I have no idea how i make it thru each day but I do.... I know its because I know I have two handsome boys, a great fiance, and great family and friends...
As of now remington is at Devos Childrens Hospital in the NICU they are really great there... and his sugar has been doing great and stayin in great levels and not jumping all over the place like at hackley... he has a feeding tube down his nose which is easily removed when ready and he has a IV in his belly button to give him his sugar water and whatever else they put in there... he is doing much better at Devos then at hackley, lets pray to god he continues, we will be up there everyday and appreciate everyones thoughts and prayers, it means alot...

I am taking these notes out of a journal for you all... this next is on march 17 st pattys day

Updates and st pattys day
As I posted on a bulletin remingtons sugar dropped again, after they started decreasing things... I think they may have decreased to fast for his body to handle but were not sure yet... so they turned everything back up and we will try again... i guess if it gets to low they will run some blood test to see if he might need something or some other way to overcome this... everything else is great, its just his sugar... they moved him from a Isolette to a crib, he seems more content in the crib :) out in the open...
In the mean time, I feel like im falling apart... I am okay one min and the next Im like a wreck... I just want my baby boy to get better and come home, I think we got our hopes up this last time and we shouldnt til he is home... I know hes gonna be alright, just takes alot out of me and robert... I just wish things didnt end up this way... but I thank god for everything he has done so far, if it werent for him I wouldnt even have my baby boy...
anyways im depressed and I am going to bed


March 21 st

I cant believe our new little one is already a week and 3 days old... and i have yet to be able to have him home and cuddle him for hours on end :(... this makes me very sad... Hes doing great, I just want him home, and they say at least another week... My sweet little angel I miss so much :(.... I always told myself I cant imagine what these other moms go thru when they cant take there babies home (being wheeled out of the hospital empty handed hurt so bad) and they are sent to another hospital, and I always told myself that wont ever happen to me... but look, it can happen to anyone... I am just so ready to have him home... My heart aches bad :( but dont get me wrong he is doing great, he is a fighter... He beat death twice... he has a will to live... and he wants to live... I am just ready to bring him home and let him live that life... I cant thank god enough for all hes done... Sadly... he will miss two holidays at home, but I am thankful for all the rest he will be here for... what he has is a minor problem its fixable... and a perm. fix... Im just so sad not having him home :( I dont know where I get my strength from everyday to carry on, but I do... Kemper is also a help :) my sweet baby boys... I love them so much... anyways I hope you all have a happy easter :) and please just keep my little boy in your prayers :)

He came home shortly after this last post... since then... ill post more later, remi is gettin into everything lol